Jacky's invitation

(Click on the image for better resolution)

Dear sangha,

Kurt's book "Buddha at the Apocalypse" is coming out on May 1st, 2010. Jacky, who some of you might already know served as the literary agent for the book (and ofcourse is a long time ordained sangha member "Kanki"), is throwing a publication party to celebrate the publication.

12:30 to 4 pm, May 2nd , Faculty Dining Hall
(Douglass Campus Center, 100 George Street, New Brunswick, NJ 08901: Campus Map and directions)

RSVP (for complimentary lunch): jackyf@ptd.net

Program:
12:30 (Complimentary Lunch for first 75 sangha members to RSVP to Jacky 'Kanki' Fernandez)
1:30 (Doors open for public to attend author's talk, book signing)
3:30 (Desserts and Hot Beverages)

If you plan to buy the book, Jacky asks that you please hold off until May 2nd.... It would be a great sangha get together and we can have Kurt sign books that afternoon! Jacky will be sending out formal press releases with final details by early March, but we wanted to get a quick idea about how many people would be interested to join for such an event.

If you are interested in buying books for this sangha event, take a moment and please answer a poll on the left hand side of the screen. Your response will greatly help us get organized. If you have any other suggestions about the event, you can email Jacky directly.

And what do we know, "Cold Mountain Sangha" now has a facebook page!! I got inspired after finding some very senior sangha members on facebook (won't name them). Here is the link Membership is open for now.

The idea is to have an interface that can help us connect, comment and ....at the very least have a platform to share information about rides to and from sesshin etc. March sesshin is approaching and many people will need rides for weekend sesshin. Instead of needing to ask Kurt, we can directly post our request or availability to give/take ride on facebook. (By the way, in case you didn't know, Kurt is allowing us to come for weekends much more easily.) So....if you enjoy being on internet, please join the facebook page of our sangha and may be find out how naughty or versatile real sangha members (who only seem to love sitting in deep silence) are!

Also, if you ever wanted to (un)subsribe from sangha's email list, please just click here and fill up your email address!

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Sangha pictures

Dear all,

This is Yen and Shaoching's baby boy Aiden who was born on 10/5/09. Yen is one of the longest practicing members of our sangha and is one of the kindest and most modest people I have known! If you find him missing some sits these days, it is because he has been getting up thrice during the night to feed this beautiful baby! Click on the image for larger view! More pictures coming soon! Read more!

Sesshin pictures

(August 2009)

(October 2009)


Please click on the photographs for a larger view!

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Note from May Lee

Dear everyone,

May Lee who is training at Sogenji, a Rinzai Temple in Japan, sent a long letter and wrote in detail about her experiences at the monastery. Her schedule (specially during sesshins) sounds very rigorous with even less personal time than we get at our sesshin. The lines that I struck me the most were "sesshin schedule is so tight and yet it feels so liberating because one has to strip everything down to bare essentials [and take away all complications], which makes me realize how confused we are about the meaning of being 'free'... ".

She has her head shaved now which she said "it feels great not to have to bother with it at all and it also feels like it represents better how I feel". She is also doing Takahatsu (going around to ask for alms) with the "boys" -- three times a month - chanting "Ho". I hear from Nobuko that at Bukkokuji, women weren't allowed to go for Takahatsu. I have her letter and would be happy to share it with anyone who wants to get a peek into her life there!

Gassho!

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What am I doing here?

Dear everyone,

Nick sent this heartfelt note after October 2009 sesshin! A few words in parenthesis were added for more continuity or clarity.


At the end of this last sesshin, someone passingly said to me "You know sometimes I just wonder, what am I doing here?" I must acknowledge that this thought occurs to me from time to time...even now after many years of practice.

Excerpt: "Everyone around me seemed so still, balanced, deeply concentrated and full of compassion, and I was just screaming inside my head, trying to survive. I felt unworthy because I didn't feel grateful when we were eating food. I felt like a bad person for not being able to bow wholeheartedly. I felt bad for not being able to sit for the entire half hour without moving, and disturbing others. I felt bad for not working like everyone else after lunch and dinner because I was so tired. Everything just seemed to point out my flaws. I really started to resent being there. I couldn't help but think .. "what am I doing here?" ."

I think there are several reasons why one can feel this way, and it's very important to explore the root of these thoughts. I've come up with a few reasons that apply to me, and perhaps some of these thoughts which might be of use to others who have had a similar experience.

Expectations
I remember going to my first sesshin. Back in those days, nobody told you the rules on the first night as they do now. Everything was a shock to the system. Well, it still is even though you know the rules! By the second or third day, I think I had pretty much lost all sense of propriety. I felt so different than the person I thought I was supposed to be. Everyone around me seemed so still, balanced, deeply concentrated and full of compassion, and I was just screaming inside my head, trying to survive. I felt unworthy because I didn't feel grateful when we were eating food. I felt like a bad person for not being able to bow wholeheartedly. I felt bad for not being able to sit for the entire half hour without moving, and disturbing others. I felt bad for not working like everyone else after lunch and dinner because I was so tired. Everything just seemed to point out my flaws. I really started to resent being there. I couldn't help but think .. "what am I doing here?"

It's interesting that when things don't go our way, we tend to be attracted to the opposite extreme. During that sesshin, I saw zen as something very painful and even evil, and couldn't wait to re-enter the world where I could finally be myself. This is like a crisis of identity, which is bound to happen I think at some point in our practice. It's very easy because the environment is so different at sesshin, and you really cannot help but feel inadequate. Another scenario which is just as likely is to assimilate and act the part, but not be free inside. This too will cause resentment toward practice. These are just 2 sides of the same coin. It is important not to confuse zen with being compassionate, sitting without moving, helping during lunch and dinner etc. These are very important qualities. But they are just the visible qualities of a zen mind. Now I increasingly think/believe that the real zen is inside us, and nobody can take it away! Even if one feels one is being rude, it is still there! So, one should not be discouraged if one cannot live up to the expectations [that one sets up from oneself by looking at others]. If one can be compassionate and let go of the idea that "compassion means I'm good," then that is of different quality all together. That is a free mind which is not obstructed by ideas of good and bad. It is the difference between zen and the idea of zen, which is why we probably say "if there is even a trace of this and that, of right and wrong, the mind essence will be lost in confusion." But until then, I'll try to be free to be myself and [try to] let go of expectations.


Ghosts from the past
I remember the first time I came in for a sesshin. Reciting one of the afternoon sutras truly scared me and almost sent me wanting to run home! I came from a background [Hindu-Indian] where my family didn't take time to explain the reason behind their rituals and religious customs. It was always "do this" and "do that" and the tone was always condemnatory [frowning and demanding tone which made you do things out of no joy or gratitude, but instead just out of plain compulsion, "blind faith" and fear of not accepted by society] . Nobody ever bothered to explain why we needed to do the things we were doing. Eventually, I came to equate "the path of worship [ religion and rituals]" with "the path to run away from." So imagine my surprise when I was sitting there on the cushion during sesshin , ready to embark on the great path to self understanding, and we end up reciting verses like ".. and finally we pray that when the time comes for us to die, we may have a minimum amount of sickness and suffering. After our bodies are lifeless and have been thrown away, we pray that we may be accepted in the Buddha realm where we will see countless Buddha beings whose teachings are one with the buddha dharma." It may be hard to spot, but there is a strong element of worship [ faith that Buddha realm exists? whom are we praying to?] in that verse. I couldn't help but cringe when I read this out loud. Every part of my mind and body just wanted to get up and leave. I felt so betrayed, and I couldn't figure out why. It was like this new experience which was supposed to be my salvation just ended up being the same old thing in disguise. I couldn't help but wonder, "what am I doing here"?

When this happens, one has to stop and ask yourself - is it zen that I am running away from, or an experience from the past which is causing me to misinterpret what is happening right now? This is actually what this practice is all about; this is what it probably means to have karma. Because of our life experiences, we have a tendency to see things in a prejudiced way, which is very different from the way things really are. This is what it means when we say "the moment" in zen - it is a reality which is unobstructed by past experience. It takes time because everything you have learned goes against it. I don't think we should ourselves for where one is now. This is the only place where one can be. This path has not been totally easy, but it has become my closest friend. This is true because in its simplest form, what are you really doing? You are just sitting there on a cushion with yourself! The only thing which can haunt you is what is already there within you. So it is not the practice [or elements of practice like sutras] which is the problem! Kurt always says to have faith in your true self. This itself takes a lot of time. But [I am beginning to feel] that true self is really there.

Over time, I have to come to gain a deeper understanding of why we have this element of worship in our practice. Many times, it seems quite natural now. It is simply an expression of gratitude for this moment. Nothing more, nothing less. But it takes time for that to sink in.

So, I hope this helps the person who was wondering about "what am I doing here?".

Gassho,
Nick Read more!

Sitting during the week of sesshin

Dear everyone,

Sesshin starts on Tuesday (Oct 27th). If you are planning to come for 5 days, we need to arrive before 8 pm and if you are coming for the weekend on Friday, please come around 7 pm because sitting will start at 8 pm on Friday.

There will be no sitting at Kendall Park from Wednesday morning till Sunday night (Nov 1st). Sitting will resume on Monday Nov 2nd. There will be Tuesday evening sit at Masonic Centre (Princeton). There will be Sunday sitting at Cranford but not for beginners. There will be no morning or evening sits at Rutgers from Tuesday Oct 26th to Nov 2nd. And lastly, there will be a Sunday morning sit at Blairstown as usual.

Gassho! See some of you at sesshin!

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Two little girls

Dear all,

This poem was read at Sandy's ordination but this is an expression of gratitude for having wonderful Dharma friendships. The poem and the story of friendship could apply to any two people in (and as Sandy said "out" of) sangha.

Two little girls


Water was cool
Waves were gentle’n blue
When I started playing by the ocean
Soon I found you
Always asking
“What is your name again?”

Thus, two little girls started playing
by the beach.
We wet our feet
and learnt to float
in the mu-ocean

But did I not pull your ponytail
and you tramped over my sand castles….
when we didn’t find a personal & perfect wave?
We were just little girls….we must have!!

We learnt slowly ….are always learning…
to worry less about sand castles by the shore
to jump together when tides came
to root for each other
and clap as more kids joined the core!

Now sometimes when you are stressed, I feel it in my bones
When you reach mushin, relief smiles through my lips
When you plunge, I dive
When I weep, may be tears show up in your eye!

Ocean is always vast and deep
Now, it is time and there is a vow to keep
To be by the ocean
And watch all beings
big and small
very little girl minds or not…
pull each other’s hair, wet feet, clap hands and plunge into ocean!!

For all of us
May you find the deepest and all the ocean floors,
And ride with the waves and be the ocean

May you continue to nourish the sangha
with your friendship off and on the cushion!
May you let the love of interconnected sangha hold you
when the waves seem turbulent!

My dear nestling…
May you find the sky security
Become an old ripe mango!

May moon guide your tides
and shine through you!

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August 2009 sesshin

Dear all,

This sesshin, it was so humid that even the Indians among us were delirious, (I hear) robes stayed wet, floors were perspiring and wouldn't stay dry unless table-fans kept whirring. A trail of sweat was left everywhere you cared to notice....but the ripe mangoes and watermelon tasted great and the sound of cicadas was young and still resonates in my being. This time, some of us are so tired after sesshin, we don't want to think of next sit and can't focus when we sit and yet want to be (with) that eternal sound of crickets..again and again! And of course, the sesshin ended with beautiful ceremony of Sandy Spina becoming Kan-getsu (Cold Moon). We are waiting for photographs and video of the ceremony to get uploaded online and then will post a description the ceremony soon.

I will fill in more details after coming back from Colorado. Meanwhile, please feel free to add to this post about August sesshin.

Gassho,
Kriti
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Blog Post from the Times

Those of you just back from the August sesshin may find these articles interesting.

Robert Wright, author of "The Evolution of God", and other things, posted an interesting account of a Vipassana retreat in the New York Times' "Happy Days" blog. You can find it here.

The same blog had a post about a Soto retreat earlier this month. You can find that article here.

-JW Read more!

Comings and goings

Dear everyone,

Cicadas are back with a roar everywhere - it is finally hot and things are changing, as always! Yen and his wife are expecting a baby in mid-October. New life! Chia-ju (Jaru) has come back to Highland Park after 7 years. Coming! Mothers of two sangha members, who might not appreciate being named, have passed away in last few months after long struggles with sickness. Imtiaz is leaving for Colorado for two years at the end of this month to join his new job. Going! Nilofer, Rumi and Gary's dear wife Joan have lost their jobs to changing economic conditions. Please keep these comings and goings in mind and send your loving-kindness to all going through these life-transitions and hope that amidst all the change, we will all find and stay with "that" which doesn't change and stays whole...moment after moment!

There will be three hour sit at Rutgers this saturday starting 7 AM as usual - see some of you there and many of you at the August sesshin.

Love and Gassho,
Kriti

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